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Sorsah gets some of her jokes from http://www.laughers.com
A FISHY BURIAL
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
The manager of a large office noticed a new employee one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the man replied.
The manager scowled. "Look here, this is a respectable company, and I don't call anyone by their first name. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. And I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now, give me your name."
The new guy said, "My name is John Darling."
The manager quickly replied, "Welcome aboard, John!"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A professor wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he conducted an experiment with a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. The professor first put a worm in the glass of water. The worm writhed about, happy as it could be. He then put the second worm in the whiskey. It writhed painfully, sank to the bottom, and died. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
One bright student responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?
The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into that pool!
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